The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
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I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
my proudest tweet
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys