My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
never ask a starfish for directions
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.