I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
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My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…