What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.