Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
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What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*