If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
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I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk