Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
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*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*