When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
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store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
What a year we’ve had this week.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.