Peppa pig = spicy bacon
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Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Birds & Planes.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Sharon, call the vet
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.