ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
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Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.