I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
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There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.