My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
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It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.