Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
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The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Bloody internet 😳
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Bill is short for Billiam
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.