There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
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Oh thanks BBC.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.