this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
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Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
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Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.