What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
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DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
🤣dope
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*