I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
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I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.