Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
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[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Unexpected Judgment
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”