“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
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One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Oh yeah that’s it
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?