Meow
You Might Also Like
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw