I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
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Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Dishonest mechanic?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
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Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
me adding lol on a serious message
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
mechanics be like
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Facebook memories be like
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.