“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
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Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
ACED my prostate exam!
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.