Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
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That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I have never heard an armadillo before.