Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
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Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Raisins are grape jerky.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.