Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
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I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.