That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
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Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma鈥檃m, he鈥檚 11 years old
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I鈥檓 hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Move over, pizza rat. 馃崟 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
As a belated Valentine鈥檚 Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I don鈥檛 think you鈥檙e a bad person. I just think you鈥檙e immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*