Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work