Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
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me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?