me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Never ghost your hitman.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.