If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
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Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Oh we’ve met.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.