wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
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holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging