[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.