A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
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MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.