Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
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8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Möther may I have a snäck
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.