If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
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Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain