I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
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Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Camping tip: No.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years