A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
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Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
man i love columbo
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains