The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
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ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!