Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
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[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
We’re all getting idioter.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
birds and squirrels envy us
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.