[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
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I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?