I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
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Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering