That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
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I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.