Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
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Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Every damn time
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.