I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
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*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
they split up moments later
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
s
oc
i
a
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Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*