Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
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♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
🤣🤣
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre