What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
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Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
🍞🦆
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.