this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
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Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19