[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
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I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
This squirrel eats better than I do
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”