People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
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therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks