As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
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Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.